I finally understand women and men

I explain this to my wife, and she rolls her eyes and says, "sure you do..." Which tells me that I'm probably facing an uphill battle. Ho well. Both women and men are governed by certain overriding traits. Some of these traits are learned, some are tallent, but all are of equal value. If one realizes these driving traits, one can use them to manipulate the situation to their advantage. The key is finding out what they are. (And I'm not talking about skeletons in the closet.)
I've heard these traits called love languages and personality traits. Neither is correct for the point of this discussion. People are motivated any of the following: the need to feel in control, the need for accomplishment, the need to feel actual love from another person not of their immediate family (mom/dad/sibs) or any combination of the three.

Take a mother, for example, some are motivated by a desire to accomplish having a family. Or possibly, to feel love from her husband or kids. Mothers are often the disciplinarians in older style families, which satisfies the need for control. Or an executive, who is having marital problems. At work, he's the boss, who has subordinates who do what he wants. Yet, at home he is powerless. At work, he has a sense of accomplishment and the acclaim of his peers. But at home, he only has heartache & disappointment. In neither situation does he have the love of another. Continuing this analagy further, where is he going to want to spend his time? In this case, it would be at the office. The only thing he could hope for would be to eventually have a female coworker who is either single or in the same circumstance, fall in love with him. This used to be called the secretary syndrome. Simply put man with bad homelife spends many hours at work with his secretary who falls for him.

If that were the case, I hope he doesn't have kids at home. If his wife were to find out about his love affair with his secretary, she would probably leave him.
Please keep in mind that the genders in either of my examples are interchangable. Feel free to mix and match all you like.

Knowing what modivates people can help in understanding of basic human nature. Children who are recognized as good kids by their parents tend to want that recognition more often. Today, for example, my 9 year old daughter made breakfast. She made scrambled eggs. Note: my wife, I, and all of the older sisters were asleep at the time. She did it completely on her own. I may never know how close she came to burning down the house, or causing bodilly harm to herself or others. Did we yell at her and tell her how crazy she was? Nope. Did we get upset with her in any way (even though she could have caused terrible damage)? Nope. Instead when she gave us breakfast in bed, we praised her. Knowing that in so doing, she'll want to repeat that sense of accomplishment and that we will then have more influence over how she does things. She'll be more attentive to what to do, and that she'll improve.

Were we to have reacted badly, she would have been sad. She would have eventually developed a sense of disappointment with herself, and may have started to turn to other sources for the sense of worth that she so desparately requires for proper development. Also, it may have stemmed her desire to improve. This can be extended indefinitely. In this case, I'm extending it to internet usage.

Unlike many I know who believe in shielding their children from the bad things that are on the internet, I believe that children should be tought to distinguish right from wrong, and that not all things are either good or evil. Children should be tought how to use things properly. That goes for everything from safe cooking practices to internet usage. Parents don't realize how smart their children are. Being a computer professional and all around geek, I've been able to sheild my kids from the worst things on the net, but as they get older and more curious about the net, I intend to exert less and less controll to let them make decisions on their own as to what sites to visit, whom to chat with, and what to do while on the net. A few months back, my daughter, following the directions of one of her friends, created herself an email account, a myspace page, and a vume IM account. When she created her myspace page, it scanned our computers hard drive for images to put on the page, and immediately posted them to her page. The problem was that we also use that PC for sending/recieving internet faxes. I had some tif images there that were contracts, and had all my personal information, including our correct address, on them. They were posted to her myspace page. Needless to say that I was a bit upset with her when I found out. Instead of exherting my efforts to control her internet usage, we did several things to assist her in discovering the internet. We 1)purchased a good internet filter with reporting, 2) shut off her vume and myspace accounts, and 3)allowed her to keep her email address with the condition that we were able to monitor it at will, 4) explained to her what had happened, and why we were taking the action we took, and 5)allowed and showed her how to use the resources (such as IM) the internet has to offer to her advantage. The only condition for our generosity on the net is that if she has questions, that she goes to us instead of her friends. I also explained to her how what her friends were doing could cause harm to themselves and their families.

Children, like their parents, have very similar motivators. The key to life is showing your spouse and children how to achieve their motivators within the setting that you want. Wives, do you want your husband to spend more time at home? Make a quasi-big deal of the minor accomplishments he achieves, make yourself available for sex (it wouldn't hurt to be the initiator once in a while. Spontaniety is also nice sometimes.), and make him honestly feel like there's no place in the world you'd rather be, than by his side. Husbands, do you want more from your relationship? Use what you know of your wife's love language to your advantage, and MAKE SURE IT'S SUCCESSFUL. Make your wife feel an honest sense of accomplishment, (they'll smell a fake sense of accomplishment a mile away), and make her feel like an equal. Parents, do you want better children? Make sure they know that you're proud of them for their accomplishments, make sure they know they're loved (see love languages), and make them feel like they're in control of themselves (and to an extent, their lives). Children, do you want a better relationship with your siblings? Show them you care, be nice to them, have fun with them.
When problems arise, face them with a happy heart, united in your purpose, and give it your best.